Beyond “Sorry for Your Loss”: Language, Culture, and Meaningful Grief Support Episode Transcript

GAIL MARQUARDT:
Welcome to the Remembering Life Podcast, where we explore ways to support families through grief, remembrance, and meaningful connection before, during, and long after a loss. Today's guest is Camilla Crews, founder of Sorry for Your Loss (Cards), a community centered on honest conversations about grief. Camilla's work began with culturally fluent grief support cards designed to help people express care when words are hard to find. With a background leading campaigns for global brands like Apple tv, Netflix, and Universal Pictures, she brings storytelling, empathy, and lived experience to the deeply human work of grief support. In this conversation, we'll talk about language, culture and how we can all show up more meaningfully for people who are grieving. Welcome Camila. I'm so happy that you're able to join me today.

CAMILA CREWS:
Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. I'm so glad to be here.

GAIL MARQUARDT:
So for listeners who may not know you yet, can you share a little bit about your background and what led you to create, Sorry For Your Loss (Cards)?

CAMILA CREWS:
Sure. Yeah. So I basically, I always just kind of describe myself as this overachiever in so many places in my life. Even as a kid, I was very much, very much into school and academics and reading, and then that just kind of translated into my professional career, and I've always loved storytelling and reading, which prompted me to go into journalism and then public relations, which is where my career was for the past 15 years of just creating marketing strategies, et cetera, for a lot of television shows and films. And then when I was 19, I lost my mom, and most recently in 2022, I lost my dad. And naively I kind of felt like, oh, I've had the experience of losing a parent, I'll be okay, but my dad's passing just really, really hit me very, very hard. And so with that, it turned everything around for me and made me want to really help to deliver some of the things that I felt like I needed as I not only was going through my journey, but continue to go through my journey with grief. And that included representation of Black and Brown people as it related to grief support, but also just language as well in terms of really being able to deliver that support for people who are trying to be there for you when you're grieving. But sometimes they're not quite sure how to do that.

GAIL MARQUARDT:
Yeah. Grief is one of those things where you really can't help other people effectively until you've had a grief experience yourself. You can what it's like to lose a parent. You can imagine what it's like to lose a best friend, but until you do, you can't understand it. Is that what you found?

CAMILA CREWS:
You know what it is? I think I've just found that there's relatability at every level. I found that grief is something everyone can kind of try to tangibly understand where it is very community based in the sense of we should all be coming together to support people who are grieving, but it is like a fingerprint where people handle it differently and where people feel like you should be handling it a certain way. So I think for me, it's more like how do we get to a similar understanding, I think would kind of more so be the message that I would like to convey to people, because I think we have a lot of misconceptions about how we think people should feel and how they should show up. It would really need to let people be on their own individual journeys because how everyone handles grief is totally different.

GAIL MARQUARDT:
Right, definitely. I mean, I can lose a parent and someone else can lose a parent and it's a completely different experience, but at least it is somewhat relatable.

CAMILA CREWS:
Yeah, exactly.

GAIL MARQUARDT:
So I have the, Sorry For Your Loss (Cards). They're absolutely beautiful. How are these different from traditional sympathy cards?

CAMILA CREWS:
Well, the biggest difference being from a grief support standpoint, grief support is something that's ongoing, which is the most important part of grief. I've had to learn this as someone that's grieving, and I'm sure that it's something you've come up across and other people listening where it's like, I have these times, sometimes large chunks of times, I'm like, I'm great, I'm doing okay. And then there'll be a couple of days or might be times I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm not doing okay and I'm wondering what it is. And it's like, oh my goodness, I'm still grieving. So it's like even though there might be months or years that passed, you still need the support. So it's more like, okay, someone's birthday has passed. Maybe you send a card or maybe it is the anniversary of the death, whatever it is that the recipient, that trigger that you might know will be in their head.

For me, my best friend sends me Mother's Day cards or send me a card, excuse me, on Mother's Day to just a grief support card to just let me know that she's thinking about me. So the difference more so being sympathy is a sentiment, and grief support is an ongoing action. So that is the main difference. And then there's a heart QR code inside of it and on the back that essentially is just saying, Hey, the person that sent this to you cares about you. They want you to know that they're here to talk about this with you. And there's also self-care tips of how to try to take care of yourself while you're grieving as well. So those are the main differences because for me, I don't feel like running in the field with lilies when I've lost anyone that does not appeal to me, and I just hadn't seen a lot of cards that represented me or people that look like me.

GAIL MARQUARDT:
So I'm going to post photos of the cards with this episode, but can you talk a little bit about what the cards look like and what makes them different?

CAMILA CREWS:
Sure. So one of them, which I really love, and it was one that actually was, it was a finalist for Louie Awards, which is essentially the Oscars of greeting cards, but it is the holding hands card, and it's just two women sitting on the ground and they're just holding hands and they're looking separate ways. Their faces are halfway cut off, but I've heard from so many people that they're just like, oh, I just feel the emotion in this photo and they get it. And that was exactly what I was trying to convey with the card is sometimes you just need someone to be next to you and you don't need anyone to say anything to you. So that's one of the cards. The other one is the support card is just two women that are facing each other and just embracing each other. And one that is the most special to me is a thinking of you one with a tree. It's a Jamaican tree of life, and my dad is Jamaican, and it was just so representative of my culture, but also it represents family and strength. So that was really important card to me and deeply special since it also represented my culture. So those are probably three of my standouts, but basically they're all just meant to have the words, but also just hopefully people will also feel something when they get them.

GAIL MARQUARDT:
And the one that I'm really drawn to is the one with two men on the front, because that is such an underrepresented demographic in the grief space. Can you talk a little bit more about that?

CAMILA CREWS:
Sure. Yeah. I have the card, which is the brotherly love card with the two men on the front. And to your point, I think obviously it's a stigma for men to remain stoic and also for them to not necessarily seem as if they need help, but it's like they're grieving and why shouldn't there be a card for them, and why can't men send each other cards? So I really wanted to make sure that they were represented so that if there is two males, friends, whatever have you, father and son, et cetera, that there's a card where they feel like they're represented on the front as well. So that one was really important for me to create.

GAIL MARQUARDT:
Yeah, I really love that. Have you heard a story from a customer that really stayed with you or affirmed why this work is so important?

CAMILA CREWS:
Yeah, I think the best story I heard, one person literally was like, this is a hug in card form. And that really, it was two things. One person told me it was a hug in card form, and I've done some events where I've been at specific grief events, which has been really great because I've been able to speak directly to the customer, and then another person just is like, oh, this should be on the shelves at X, Y, and Z retailers because I haven't seen anything like this. So those were the two that really stuck with me was like, okay, it's not just, of course, as you're creating a business, you're doing market research, seeing where the gaps are, et cetera, but it's really nice to hear directly from the consumer knowing that they also feel like they're being represented as well. So that's something that certainly has touched me.

GAIL MARQUARDT:
And your cards represent people of color. How does grief show up differently in communities of color, if at all?

CAMILA CREWS:
I think the differences are more so in the sense that I think it comes from a few things. One, just like we are, there's the expectation for the stoicism again, where it's like we're unmovable trees and we can't be broken. And it's like we are not hurt by the grief. So it's like even though we may be maintaining this composure on the outside doesn't mean that there isn't something that's happening on the inside. We're not overwhelmed. It's just unfortunately we don't have the privilege a lot of times to actually sit in it. We have to move forward, whether it's taking care of people or whatever something may be. I think also talk therapy oftentimes within our communities is deemed extremely taboo. We're oftentimes, and of course I hate to make sweeping statements, is not always all the time, there's obviously exceptions to the rules, but for the most part, there's a lot of what happens in the house stays in the house.

So then it's like you're almost expected to now if you are even acknowledging that what you're going through is grief, now you're expected to go speak to this stranger and tell them about all these things that have you feeling a way that you're quote maybe not supposed to feel. And then there's also just so much stigma around mental health and your impact, the impact that it has on you, and the fact that we oftentimes find, we oftentimes praise for strength and resilience. So if you're not being strong while you're grieving, then what does that say about your identity? So I think there's just so many different pillars that we have to go through from a cultural standpoint, whether that be within our homes and then from a societal standpoint, and then actually going through the grieving process internally. And then how do we work through that externally? Whether that's getting the right help and also just asking our friends and family for support, because that's another thing we often do, have a hard time asking people for help.

GAIL MARQUARDT:
Are there generational factors at play here too? Are younger people more likely to get that help than perhaps their elders? Do you see any of that?

CAMILA CREWS:
I do think that we are doing a better job and we, meaning me specifically, it is very hard for me to ask for help. I had to really take a step back and hit a wall before I was able to ask my friends for help. So I think that generationally there is a turn that is happening. And honestly, I think within our communities, we have asked for the help. Community care has been something that has been happening for a long time. It is very innate within Black communities as well, but I think that our society has been turned towards individualism so much that it has made it a lot harder. So I do think that we have points within each generation where people have leaned into their communities. I do think we've gotten away from it, but I do feel like there has been a turn happening.

And that's also why I created, I have a free tool on my website called Pull Up Passes, which are essentially my culture pull up just means, how can I show up for you? And so it's just a free download of ways that people can go and support someone that they love who's grieving. So whether that's just bringing a meal, sending a DoorDash card, picking up their kids for them, or just sending a text to say, I'm thinking about you. It just provides tools and ways to be able to do that and taking the guesswork out because it is also a two-way street in terms of sometimes not having the language to ask for help, but then sometimes people are waiting for you to tell them what you need. And you don't always have the bandwidth to be able to do that, especially if you're in the midst of breathing.

GAIL MARQUARDT:
And so many people are worried about saying the wrong thing. But really it's important to remember that you're not going to fix anyone's grief. You're merely helping them understand that they have people around them who care and who are willing to listen. And one of the things that I often say to people who are grieving, I ask them to tell me a story about their loved one, get to know their loved one a little better, and what are some of those really good memories that they have of their loved one? Is that something you do as well?

CAMILA CREWS:
I don't ask for stories. I typically will, just a couple things. It depends on a loss. If it's a new loss, I'll just say sometimes I'll literally just say, I don't have the words that I'm thinking about too. I think for the most part, people just want to know, to your point, they just want to know you care. They just want to know that you're there for them. And then sometimes it's the checking on them whether or not it's about asking about the person. It's just like, Hey, I was just thinking about you. How's your day going? Or Hey, how are you today? Or sometimes I think that depends on where they are within their journey. But even if it's just, I was thinking about you, I think at the end of the day, from what I've observed and from what I get, it's oftentimes just the fact that someone is thinking about me makes me feel a lot better.

GAIL MARQUARDT:
It can be very simple and asking people genuinely, how are you today? Making it clear that you really want them to be honest with you and not just say, oh, I'm fine, but really invite that conversation.

CAMILA CREWS:
Yeah. I think too, I do think there needs to be onus, but also what my personality is very much a fixer or I used to say systemically, I'm always like, okay, what can we do to improve things? And it's like, okay, you have a group of friends, and as my fellow millennials say at our big age talking about all these things and all these hopes we have with the future, and we get together with our friends. So it's just like we're getting together for wine and gabbing anyway. Why can't we talk about how can I support you better? And it doesn't even need to be around a loss that has happened. Loss is going to happen. So whether that is the ambiguous loss of a job, which we see so many people have lost their jobs, or if you have to move, there's other losses outside of people.

I am in my forties, and this is oftentimes when people do start to lose their parents, even if it's of natural causes or whatever have you. So it's like if we know these life events are happening, why can't we be intentional about having conversations of like, so how do you want me to show up? How can I best show up for you in the event of an emergency or a loss? If that feels like too much to handle? I strongly believe that whatever someone's love language is, that's the same way that they want to receive help when they're grieving. If someone is an acts of service person, they would probably very much appreciate you making dinner for them At the end of the day, if none of that works, just do something and they would be very grateful for it.

GAIL MARQUARDT:
Then within that friend group, we've already established that you're there for each other and hopefully make it easier for people to ask for help too when they need it and that they know they can come to you. That's a really good idea.

CAMILA CREWS:
And that's the thing too. I'm like, okay, what's definition of friends? It's real easy to be someone's friend when everything is great, but friendship is, it's supposed to serve you through the ebbs and flows. I know a lot of my friends have been around from high school or college. We're over two decades in a lot of us, and it's just like there's been a lot of ups and downs in people's lives, and there are certain ways in which we've been there to support each other and everyone has a different capacity. Everyone shows up differently. It's not as if it's going to be of equal measure, but friendship should come with some responsibilities and expectations. Like, this is not a free ride over here. It just doesn't come with the good stuff. So it's like, why can we not have the conversations?

GAIL MARQUARDT:
And when you're grieving too, you quickly learn who isn't a safe space for you based on what they say. There are a lot of things to say. There are a lot of things not to say. I had a friend die by suicide about 10 years ago now, and I was talking to a friend about it and expressing my feelings about the loss, and he just looked at me and said, well, life goes on. And I thought, okay, this is not a safe space for me to be in. This is not someone that I should open up to. So knowing that too, I think is valuable going forward. I have not shared other losses with that particular person, but I also reflect on his life and the losses that he's had and that they are quite unresolved. So his reaction was coming more from that than from not knowing what to say.

CAMILA CREWS:
Yeah. It seems like he was trying to protect himself. He kind of probably has become numb at this point because it'd be probably dealt with what was actually before him and could potentially be a little overwhelming. Right. But to your point, us establishing, but as someone who you're expressing how you felt in the grief, it's like Jill Scott said, everything ain't for everybody, some people. And I'm like, I love that quote because it's so true. Some friends, it's funny because I have a friend that I love dearly, but I was like, oh, this friend doesn't have the depth that I need. And I remember wanting to have a whole conversation of, you don't have this depth and I need this and I need that. And then I was like, would I go to Burger King and demand filet mignon? You know what I'm saying?

It's just like I was in the wrong place for the thing that I needed. And listen, I have deficiencies as well. So it's just like I do think that grief will, at least for me, makes me, I am automatically wanting to be like, ah, I get upset with the person, but then I'm just like, these are the limitations and does the good outweigh the bad in terms of how much I do actually want them in my life? And if I do decide I want them in my life, then I just know where I need to kind of keep them. And we will wade in the shallow pool together, but we're not going to go swim in the deep end because someone's going to drown.

GAIL MARQUARDT:
And that's where I kind of landed. I was really hurt at first. I will freely admit, and then I thought, all right, I have to give him a little grace knowing what has happened in his life and that he has not done that work.

CAMILA CREWS:
But kudos to you. I would've probably full non therapist mode. I'm not a therapist, but I'm just curious. I'm like, so do you feel like not in that moment, but at some point, so what made you say that the other day?

GAIL MARQUARDT:
Right. I think I was so taken aback.

CAMILA CREWS:
Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

GAIL MARQUARDT:
I didn't really think of anything to say, but it's all fine.

CAMILA CREWS:
Absolutely.

GAIL MARQUARDT:
Speaking of which, if someone listening is grieving right now, what's one thing you hope they hear today?

CAMILA CREWS:
I hope they hear take it one day at a time. That's all I can say, because let me tell you, yes, I have put together this company, and yes, I am very proud of the work that I'm doing, but that's what gets me through it as well. I'm taking it one day at a time. I can't look ahead. I can't look back just to take it one day at a time because it is like you just don't know day to day, every day is going to be different, which is an exciting thing in some ways because if today happens to be a down day, then tomorrow might be better, and maybe tomorrow's going to be a down day as well, but just taking it one day at a time.

GAIL MARQUARDT:
And for those supporting someone through loss, what's one small but meaningful way they can show up. You've talked a little bit about some of those. Are there other ways that people can show up?

CAMILA CREWS:
Yes. I would just say to not be afraid to talk about it. That is my biggest mission and reason for even creating Sorry For Your Loss is to de-stigmatize grief. You can ask someone a question, do you mind if we talk about such and such? Or, I really want to show for you, but I don't know what to do. It's okay to talk about, and if it's not, the person will hopefully let you know. But we can't treat grief like the boogeyman. Everybody goes through it. To me, grief is if we had no licenses and everyone just got in, the car is driving around, it's something we all inevitably do, or most of us will inevitably go through in some fashion. And we just are not equipped to deal with it, merely because we won't prepare ourselves with the right tools. And it starts with the conversation because the things that we don't talk about are the things that become taboo and off limits and an emotion, especially something that is wrapped around loss is extremely normal. There's nothing wrong with talking about it. So I would just say don't be afraid to at least speak on it, whether it's just like, I'm here for you, or Do you mind if we talk about your grief, or do you mind if we talk about what you're going through? Just be more open to speaking about it instead of kind of shying away or hiding from it because it's not going away.

GAIL MARQUARDT:
I agree, and I love hearing the names of my loved ones, so incorporating their name into the question is also incredibly meaningful to me. Since we're talking about supporting someone through loss, I feel compelled to talk about comparing grief. If we've had a similar loss in our life, it can be so tempting to say, oh, well, when my friend died, this, that, and the other thing, and try to compare our grief, talk about how important it is to be present for that individual and talking about their grief.

CAMILA CREWS:
I think when someone is speaking to you about their grief, I think just comparison, it's not the place for the comparison. I think it's just a place to listen and ask if there's something that they would like to. I think it's definitely a place where you ask for permission, whether it's like, oh, can I give you a tip or can I, you can I offer you X, Y, and Z? But I think that it's just not the place to lend any comparison because again, grief is very individual and different for everybody, so you can compare. You just can't compare losses. We all fail them entirely different ways, so there's just not in comparison, I believe.

GAIL MARQUARDT:
Definitely. I've had people ask me, oh, I know when your friend died, you went through something similar. Can you talk about that? So I wait until someone also asks me to talk about my experience and what might be helpful to them. I think it's just human nature for people to want to jump in and compare their grief to someone. So thanks for your thoughts on that.

CAMILA CREWS:
Yeah, no problem.

GAIL MARQUARDT:
Where can listeners learn more about Sorry For Your Loss (Cards) and the work that you do?

CAMILA CREWS:
They can learn more on the website, which is SorryForYourLossCards.com, and then most active on social Instagram at sorry for your loss cards. So that's where they can get more information.

GAIL MARQUARDT:
Fabulous. And I ask each of my guests this question, who are you remembering today?

CAMILA CREWS:
Today I'm remembering my parents, so my mother and my dad.

GAIL MARQUARDT:
Is there anything you'd like to share about them and their impact on you?

CAMILA CREWS:
I would just say that I feel like my mom gave me permission to dream, and my dad gave me a ton of audacity, so I'm thankful for the contributions that I get from that I've gotten from both of them. And yeah, I feel their presence a lot more now. I think that I kind of see them as a part of my guardian angels, and if I need something, I'm kind of asking them for the support that I need, and there's all these little things that I see out. I feel like the losses of both of them have allowed me to see more into the world. So I see a lot more through nature now, and I am a lot more present with things, so I do feel like that is the gift that grief has given me, although it is very, very difficult to get through at times.

GAIL MARQUARDT:
That's really beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing a little bit about them, and thank you so much for joining me on the podcast today. This was really helpful and wonderful information. Really appreciate you taking the time to join me today.

CAMILA CREWS:
No worries. Thank you so much for having me. I'm so glad we were able to do this.

GAIL MARQUARDT:
Me too. Today's conversation with Camila is a reminder that grief doesn't need perfect words. It needs presence, compassion, and space to be seen at remembering a life. We believe tools like conversation starters, grief, education, and thoughtful resources help families and professionals continue care well beyond the funeral or memorial service. Camila's work reflects that same mission, creating moments of connection when people really need them most. To learn more about, Sorry For Your Loss Cards and explore Remembering A Life resources that support remembrance conversation in healing, visit RememberingALife.com and SorryForYourLossCards.com. Thank you for listening and for continuing to remember the lives of the people you love.