Many of us have seen at least part of a military funeral, either in person, on TV, or in the movies. Although not every President has served in the military, they are typically accorded military honors at their state funerals, which is where many of us have seen these highly orchestrated, ritualized tributes. For families of active-duty service members, the funeral will be the final step in a series of formalized events that begin with the official death notification. For retired service members, it may be their families’ first contact with the military in many years.

Any member of the military who dies during active duty, veterans discharged or retired honorably with at least one full period of active-duty service, and selected reserve or National Guard members who have completed at least one enlistment term are eligible for both military funeral honors and burial in a VA cemetery. In these cemeteries, services never take place at the actual gravesite for both safety and privacy reasons (although once the deceased is buried, the family is given the gravesite location and is free to visit whenever they wish).

(Note: Arlington National Cemetery has different requirements. All honorably discharged service persons may be inurned there, but to be eligible for in-ground burial, a service member must have died on active duty (excluding training), retired honorably from full military service, or have received high-level recognition awards like a Purple Heart.)

Although there are different levels of military funeral honors, all eligible active or retired service members are entitled to at least an honor detail, official folding of the flag, and the playing of TAPS. There is a standard flow to military funerals, which consists of:

  • Procession: The casket or urn is processed to the cemetery, accompanied by at least two soldiers in uniform (the honor detail). The casket is always draped with an American flag. If the deceased has been cremated, the flag will be pre-folded and carried in the procession by a uniformed officer walking to the right of the urn. The flag is then unfolded when the service begins.

Occasionally, what is called The Riderless Horse may be part of the funeral procession. In this stunning visual, a horse (sometimes with a black blanket laid over its back under the saddle and referred to as being “caparisoned”) is saddled with a pair of empty boots facing backward, meant to symbolize the deceased looking back one last time on his troops. This honor is reserved for Presidents of the United States, Secretaries of Defense, and Army or Marine Corp. Colonels or higher. Riderless horses are sometimes also used in military parades (such as the Memorial Day Parade).

  • Arrival at the Committal Service Shelter. If being buried/inurned at a VA cemetery, the Committal Service Shelter is where the service will take place. These shelters are designed as open-air spaces (with roofs to protect from rain) and are usually located quite near the cemetery entrance. For someone buried in a civilian cemetery, the service can be held at the gravesite. Either a military or civilian chaplain can perform a short service here at either location.

  • For those entitled to Full Military Honors, upon conclusion of the service, there will be a salute consisting of three synchronized rounds fired into the air (blanks are used). In the U.S., Presidents are entitled to a 21-gun salute, which uses cannons rather than rifles, with 21 rounds fired.

  • After the salute (if applicable), TAPS will be played. Many are familiar with TAPS; its haunting, slow notes symbolizing saying goodbye. TAPS was only added to the military funeral ritual during the Civil War. Before that, it was simply used to signal the end of the day and a call to bed, with the lights out.

  • Whether the deceased is casketed or inurned, once the service concludes, the flag is folded 13 times. The 13 folds represent the United States’ original 13 colonies, and each fold also honors the deceased, their fellow soldiers who have died in battle, and the soldier’s family. After folding, the flag is presented to the family.

  • Once all the rites have been performed, a formal expression of condolences by the chaplain or clergy may take place. If the burial/inurnment occurs at Arlington, a member of the Arlington Ladies will pay the condolences to the family. The Arlington Ladies are a volunteer corps of women with a connection to the military who formed in 1948 to ensure that no veteran is ever buried alone. The Lady assigned to the family will have the same connection to the deceased’s branch of the military and is an official representative of the branch of service’s chief of staff.

Depending on the place of burial and the service member's role at the time of death, the military will cover some or all of the costs associated with the funeral and burial. Any service member, either on active duty or honorably discharged, is eligible to be buried in a military cemetery at no cost, which includes the burial, headstone, and perpetual care of the gravesite. Funeral home costs are additional. If a soldier dies while on active service, the military pays all costs, including any funeral home expenses. If a retired veteran chooses to be buried in a civilian cemetery, the government provides a small burial allowance and a free, very simple headstone.

Loss of an active-duty service member or veteran carries its own unique grief. Even though the military provides support through the funeral process, families can frequently feel overwhelmed with paperwork, and the military itself may promote a culture of stoicism that makes it more difficult to reach out for emotional support. If you’ve lost a family member on active duty or who was a veteran, a supportive funeral director can really make all the difference, sometimes even filing paperwork and dealing with the VA on your behalf. After the funeral, the VA may provide brief and bereavement services to the family, depending on whether the service member was on active duty at the time of their death or was receiving Veterans’ Center services. Family members of both active-duty service members and veterans who die by suicide are also eligible for bereavement support. Other organizations, such as TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors), can also provide comfort.

It is no accident that these military funerals are tightly choreographed. In an episode of The Funeral Channel Podcast, I learned that the precision with which they are carried out is intentional, a steadying force against the unpredictability of grief. “[Military funerals] are meticulously engineered to communicate respect and gratitude, but more importantly, from a psychological standpoint, they’re designed to physically and emotionally carry the family through an experience that might otherwise completely crush them,” the podcast hosts told us. Having all logistics mapped out in advance and receiving military assistance during the ceremony removes the burden of decision-making from the family. They go on to say, “Their grief is no longer theirs to carry alone. The state steps in to help them shoulder the burden.” This kind of intentional care is intended to be distinctive, reflecting the deceased’s commitment to their country and the country’s recognition of the family’s sacrifice.