Visit any drug or card store, and you’ll find an extensive selection of sympathy cards available for purchase. Usually somber in tone and sometimes featuring sunsets, delicate flowers, or black edging, these cards may offer brief or lengthy pre-printed messages or allow you more space to write your own personalized note. It’s typical to feel at a loss about how best to help when someone dies, but sending a sympathy card is a tangible way to offer support and also gives us the feeling that we’ve acted, even in this small way.

Condolence Cards Started as Funeral Cards

In the 19th century, a family would usually send a funeral card announcing the death of a loved one.  These cards were part of highly ritualized grief and mourning practices and often including a prayer for the deceased. The cards generally had black edging and could range from minimalist to ornate. The memorial card for Prince Albert, husband of Queen Victoria, now part of the collection of the London Museum, is described as having “…a black background with cream coloured solid embossed decoration representing a memorial tomb. In the center of the memorial is an applied sepia colored photographic medallion portrait of Albert. In the panel below are printed the dates of Prince Albert's birth, marriage and death as well as a list of his many titles.” These cards were considered keepsakes, especially if they were in memory of someone famous or someone close to the recipient.

During the Civil War, soldiers carried small cards on their person bearing their name and photograph, to serve as identification if they died in battle. Both these cards and the more ornate funeral cards served not only to commemorate and identify the deceased, but also to drive home the reality of their passing.

Receiving a funeral card usually prompted a handwritten condolence letter. The writer typically would share memories of the deceased and offer comforting words to the family.

Abraham Lincoln wrote a famous sympathy letter to Fanny McCullough, whose father – a close friend of his- died during the war in 1862:

Dear Fanny
It is with deep grief that I learn of the death of your kind and brave Father, and, especially, that it is affecting your young heart beyond what is common in such cases. In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all; and, to the young, it comes with bitterest agony, because it takes them unawares. The older have learned to expect it. I am anxious to afford some alleviation of your present distress. Perfect relief is not possible, except with time. You cannot now realize that you will ever feel better. Isn't this so? And yet it is a mistake. You are sure to be happy again. To know this, which is certainly true, will make you somewhat less miserable now. I have enough experience to know what I say, and you need only believe it to feel better right away. The memory of your dear Father, instead of an agony, will yet be a sad, sweet feeling in your heart, of a purer and holier sort than you have known before…

(Note:  this letter, although a heartfelt expression of support, does veer towards advice giving which we no longer recommend.  It is likely that it was more well received, though, given that it came from the President of the United States.)

The Evolution of Funeral Cards

Personal sympathy letters gave way to pre-printed condolence cards towards the beginning of the 20th century. Designs and messages evolved, with more secular expressions expanding the options for expressing sympathy.  The Hallmark Card Corporation began offering sympathy cards in the 1920s and today, sympathy cards are a huge business.  According to Hallmark, condolence cards account for 6% of all greeting cards sent and the market for pet condolence cards is growing, as more regard pets as important parts of the family and pet loss grief is increasingly validated.  

How to Write a Sympathy Card

While some sympathy cards already feature poems or thoughtful sentiments, requiring only a short note and signature, others offer more space for a personal message. You’re probably aware that platitudes like “they are in a better place now” or “G-d doesn’t give us more than we can handle” are typically NOT welcome when offering condolences. Alternatively, prioritize support and presence for the grieving individual, rather than trying to resolve their grief or explain away a death that, in all likelihood in the fresh days of loss, feels unexplainable. A 2024 study by researchers Kimberly Calderwood and Amy Alberton identified the following guidance for creating personal messages of support, based on surveys with the bereaved:

  • Advice is not helpful (“Things will feel easier soon.”). Instead, express concern and care, such as “I’m thinking of you during this time and will reach out in the coming days.”
  • Avoid saying “let me know if you need anything” or “I’m here for you if you need anything,” as this puts the responsibility on the griever to act.
  • Instead of employing language oriented toward 'healing,' such as “I know this is hard, but you’ll get through this,” focus on messages that emphasize continuing connection, like “the beautiful memories you shared will remain with you always” or “the love you shared endures.”
  • Avoid comparing your experience to theirs. “I know how you feel. I felt the same when I lost my mother.” This shifts attention away from the griever.
  • For grievers with strong faith, explicitly faith-based messages may offer comfort (“G-d is guiding your loved one on his journey”). Use this approach thoughtfully—be certain of the bereaved’s relationship to faith before including religious references.

Another meaningful exercise is to share a specific memory of your bond with the deceased. For example, “I’ll never forget when he showed up at my house at midnight to help me bail out my basement,” or generally, “She was always there to support me with words of kindness.”  These memories bring home that the deceased had an impact on the world and will not be forgotten.

Writing a condolence card can be meaningful not only to the recipients but also to you as the writer. If you were close to the deceased, supporting their loved ones and reconnecting with your bond can feel impactful for you. Writing a heartfelt condolence card also helps you feel you’ve done something to make a difference when you might otherwise feel helpless.  It can feel like a small step but can carry great meaning for the bereaved as well as for you.