Everyone has a relationship with death, whether they want one or not.
-Sebastian Junger, In My Time of Dying, 2024

The Inevitability of Death

We are all going to die – it's a fact, whether we like it or not. For some, the idea of death sparks terror; for others, denial; and for yet others, visions of an afterlife. Most of us go through our daily lives in a mild, perhaps healthy state of denial, only facing death head-on when we are reminded of it by the loss of a loved one or some untimely unexpected death in our community or on the news that takes our breath away. Yes, it's true. You will die, too.

There's only one other scientifically proven fact about death, and that is that we don't know what happens after we die. We really don't! We may feel drawn to one viewpoint or another – a nihilistic (some might call realistic) view that death is the end and we will completely cease to exist, or that our consciousness survives in some way and some form – but there is actually no way to prove either one of these or any of the thousands of different scenarios that have been put forth about what happens when we die. Sit with this for a minute if you can. We just don't know.

Fearing Death

There are lots of good reasons to fear death. Number one is that while death is inevitable, everything else about it is uncertain. Will it hurt? Will we know we are dying? Will it be terrible? Will we be reunited with loved ones who died before us? Will we be called to account for our actions? The human brain craves certainty, so anything that has no real answer can cause anxiety. Since we don't have any verifiable evidence about what the experience will be like (no one’s ever completely died and come back to tell us), the idea of dying understandably makes us feel nervous.

The second reason we fear dying is deeply rooted in our survival instinct. Our bodies and minds are focused on NOT dying all the time, and this instinct has evolved over millennia. This is why you get a surge of energy when you perceive a threat, whether a saber-toothed tiger centuries ago or a car speeding at us now. Our body immediately responds, even without our conscious intention, adapting and making it possible for us to escape. This instinct is extremely fine-tuned. Preventing our own dying dictates much of everything we do, consciously or unconsciously, every minute of every day. Understanding and addressing this instinct is crucial in our journey towards death acceptance. We are hard-wired to live.

I believe the third reason we fear dying is that we fear grief. Our own dying will involve a lot of grief – for us, it will mean giving up life as we know it. It will mean leaving loved ones behind. Most of us will be leaving behind the only identity we've ever known. Who will we be when we are dead? How will we say goodbye? How will our most cherished relationships survive? Will our loved ones be ok? Will we be ok?

Psychology Today points out that most of our fears of death are based on what we imagine it will be like rather than any objective evidence. Although medical death means cessation of body and brain function, we don't know for a fact that that means we, as we know ourselves, cease entirely to exist. Many who have been through a near-death experience have verifiable memories of things that occurred while “medically dead” – sometimes things that happened in another room or another city. I am not saying you must believe that there is an afterlife, but rather that it is essential to recognize that our understanding of death, even our medical understanding of it, is incomplete. We cannot use the scientific method to prove that consciousness ends when our brains and bodies die, just as we cannot use it to confirm that it survives. It is truly still an unknown.

Why Confront Our Death Fears?

Why is it important to delve into our fears about death? Those who have thanataphobia (intense fear of death) will find their ability to function in their daily lives limited. Even if you are not one of the 10% of people who suffer from this clinical diagnosis, you may find that your own fear of death prevents you from being present in your daily life and to your loved ones. It can manifest as avoiding social situations that center around death (such as funerals or memorial services), avoiding certain parts of your neighborhood, such as cemeteries, or avoiding friends or loved ones who have recently experienced a death or who have just received a terminal diagnosis themselves. Paradoxically, holding a fear of death can prevent us from living our lives fully.

There is no right or wrong way to view death. For some, believing that death is the end helps them to live each day to the fullest. For others, believing in an afterlife guides their moral compass and pushes them to do good in the world. The term' death view' refers to the individual's perspective on death and what it means to them. Subscribing to a 'death view' that holds you back from living your best life is what we want to explore and change. It's about understanding how your beliefs about death shape your actions and attitudes in life.

So, where does this leave us? I think it's worthwhile to confront our death fears and come to some level of acceptance that someday we will die. Let's address the grief aspect of this first. Later in our series, we will look at completing and reconciling relationships and leaving a legacy, but for now, I encourage you to confront your anticipatory grief by telling those in your life how much you love and appreciate them on a regular basis. Prioritizing your relationships will not only relieve some of your anxiety but also make you feel more connected and loved, knowing that others know how much they mean to you.

Second, I believe it's important to really examine your hopes and fears about death. Which viewpoint do you generally hold – that death means the end of everything or that some part of you will survive and retain some form of consciousness and awareness? Becoming clear about what we think death will look and feel like will help us better understand exactly what we fear and whether we can address some of those fears while living. Are you afraid you'll be gone without a trace, never remembered? Think of ways to pass on your legacy, whether that's through writing an ethical will or perhaps contributing to a charity upon your death. Are you afraid you'll be gripped by fear and overcome by pain during the dying process? Read some writings by hospice nurses, who have witnessed death again and again, to learn about how exactly the body and mind prepare for dying and begin to think about developing an advance directive (we’ll focus on this later in the series) so that you have some choice about treatments and pain relief at the end of life.

On the attached worksheet, you’ll be able to get clearer on your hopes and fears about death. You'll also be guided to examine your "death view" and consider its opposite, to learn to sit more comfortably in the space of death unknowns. After all, since we don't really know what happens when we die, we can believe anything we want. Ultimately, we want to hold beliefs gently, leaving room for questions and changes of heart that enable us to be more present in our daily lives and relationships without fear of death lurking deep below the surface.

Worksheet

Module Two: Fear of Death and Death Acceptance

Reading for Worksheet

“Face it – Death is Final”. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pura-vida/201807/face-it-death-is-final

“My Experience in a Coma” by Dr. Eben Alexander. http://ebenalexander.com/about/my-experience-in-coma/