When my nephew died unexpectedly, I was still reeling from the news when my phone began to buzz with notifications. Within an hour, his death was already circulating on social media. The world had found out before our family had even begun to process the loss, let alone notify our closest friends and relatives. I remember feeling overwhelmed, exposed, and, most of all, heartbroken—not just by the loss itself, but by how quickly and impersonally it became public knowledge.

As a funeral director and grief educator for nearly thirty years, I’ve witnessed this scenario unfold countless times. Our instinct to reach out, share, and support is deeply human, especially when we want to honor a loved one or comfort a grieving friend. But news travels at the speed of a mouse click or the tap of a smartphone, and a little patience and empathy can make all the difference for those most affected by the death of a loved one.

It's always a good time to reflect on how we can be more thoughtful and compassionate when navigating loss, both online and off.

Why Grief Etiquette Matters More Than Ever

Grief is as old as humanity, but how we experience and share it is changing. Social media has become a new gathering place for mourning, but it’s also a space where well-intentioned actions can cause unintentional harm. When a death is announced online before the family is ready, it can compound their pain and deprive them of the privacy they need to process their loss.

Sometimes the unintentional hurt is the most traumatic and long-lasting. Families may find themselves fielding questions, rumors, or even speculation about the cause of death—all while they’re still coming to terms with their own grief. As I often remind families and friends: Just because we can share news instantly doesn’t mean we should.

Let the Family Lead

The most important rule of grief etiquette in the digital age is simple. Let the immediate family take the lead. Before posting anything, whether it’s a tribute, a photo, or even a simple message of condolence, pause and ask yourself, “Has the family made an announcement? Are they ready for this news to be public?”

If you’re not sure, reach out privately. A phone call, text, or handwritten note can mean the world to someone who is grieving. Give them space to process and to decide how and when to share their loss with the wider community.

Compassion Before Clicks

When you do express your support, whether online or offline, focus on genuine empathy. Avoid clichés like “They’re in a better place” or “Everything happens for a reason.” Instead, try something heartfelt and specific. “I’m here to listen or just sit with you.” Or share a favorite memory of the person who has died. It can be healing for those who are mourning a loved one to hear something that celebrates their loved one’s life and the impact they had on you.

Remember, your words don’t have to be perfect. What matters most is that they’re sincere and centered on the needs of the grieving, not your own need to say something or be seen.

Practical Tips for Supporting Grieving Friends and Family

  • Wait for the Family: Never post about a death or share details until the family has made an official announcement.
  • Ask for Permission: Before sharing photos, memories, or tributes, get explicit consent from the family.
  • Reach Out Privately First: A direct message, call, or card is often more meaningful than a public post.
  • Avoid Speculation: Don’t ask about the cause of death or share unverified information.
  • Offer Ongoing Support: Grief doesn’t end with the funeral or the first wave of condolences. Check in weeks and months later with a note, a meal, or a simple “thinking of you.”

Resources for Navigating Loss

If you’re unsure what to say or do, you’re not alone. Remembering A Life, an initiative of the National Funeral Directors Association, offers a wealth of free, expert-reviewed resources for families and friends navigating grief, including guides on funeral planning, expressing condolences, and supporting children through loss. Explore this website for more.

Grief is never easy, but we can make it a little less lonely. By waiting, listening, and respecting family wishes, we honor not just the memory of those we’ve lost but the hearts of those left behind.

October 2025