Recently, in one of the grief groups I help to facilitate, a participant shared that she had increasing anxiety and sadness about an upcoming cruise. Janet told the group, "My mom and I used to cruise together all the time, and I'm worried I'm going to be sad and miss her. I wish my mom was still here so she could go with me." This got me thinking about how we remember loved ones who've died, and how we can connect memories of them with joy, not just sadness. Personally, I'm someone who has struggled with creating ritual ways to connect; visiting the cemetery just doesn't do that for me, which then makes me feel guilty – and we all know that spiral.
After some thought, I said to Janet, "Why don't you bring your mom with you? Bring a photograph of her or have a t-shirt made with her picture on it. You could bring a small flameless candle and set it up in your cabin, and tell your mom about each day. You can also tell people about your mom and how you loved to cruise together. Your mom can be a part of this cruise too, albeit in different ways." This idea resonated with Janet, and I bet that if she had talked about her mom on the cruise to others, she would have found many sympathetic ears. So many families build beautiful memories on cruises or through other shared experiences; she likely was not the only person missing someone.
Some cultures and religions have prescribed days and times of the year to remember and celebrate the dead, and many families have traditions of visiting the cemetery on a loved one’s birthday or anniversary, but these may feel forced for you, and sometimes they feel like a burden rather than a pleasure – not a meaningful way to celebrate or memorialize a person’s life and our relationships with them. We want not only to remember the person, but also to find ways to keep the relationship alive in a way that nourishes us. It is hard to feel a connection if the action is forced or we do it out of guilt. We want to find ways to re-experience our bond with them, not just mark a date or check something off a list.
I think part of the reason many of us feel unsuccessful in creating remembrance rituals is that we forget that these rituals are highly personalized and dependent on the nature of our relationships with the deceased, rather than a prescribed set of actions that take place at a specific time of year or on a certain date. Of course, visiting a cemetery or columbarium, a place where ashes have been scattered, or a tree or bench named in remembrance of someone may help some people connect, but that's not always the case. We need to give ourselves permission to uncover what has meaning for us specifically. Here are some ideas:
- If you and your mom loved to talk about real estate, attend open houses that you find interesting, and write your mom a letter (or imagine writing her a letter) telling her about the properties.
- Watch a funny movie that you and your dad saw together and both enjoyed; imagine that he is laughing along with you at your favorite parts.
- Eat your sister’s favorite food, or make her favorite recipe, thinking of her while you do
- Take out an item that has significance for you from your childhood home, something that might seem unremarkable to another person, but that for whatever reason has special meaning for you – a tin that once held buttons, a music box, etc. – and place this item where you can see and maybe use it every day.
- Take a trip you and your partner or friend always wanted to take together but never did. If you feel moved, keep a journal of reflections and things you see or do that you know they would have loved.
These are just some ideas to help you imagine what actions can help you reconnect; it’s important to note that it isn’t necessary to set a schedule for these things or pressure yourself to perform them with a lot of regularity. Opportunities can arise spontaneously. Unexpected openings can be extremely meaningful, and I have found that the more we flow with them, the more ways to connect will appear.
Talking about people you've loved and sharing experiences with others is a great way to not only honor the person but also your love for them. Bring your loved ones into conversation more often – you may be surprised at how the conversation blossoms, and you end up sharing beautiful memories. If you feel inclined, invite other loved ones to join you in rituals you’ve already identified as meaningful. Coming together to reminisce about a shared loved one is a beautiful way to not only connect to positive feelings but also to deepen your bond with others.
Overall, don't be afraid to experiment with different ideas and let go of those that don't resonate with you. Remember, the most important thing is that the ritual or action feels meaningful to you, not just that it looks good on paper. Others will love to hear about how you remember your loved ones and may get ideas for more personalized connections themselves!
Looking for more inspiration? Remembering A Life Journey Cards feature 52 ideas for remembering loved ones in meaningful ways! Draw one card a week for one year of activities or pick a card whenever you're inspired!