Note: Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those mentioned
My 60-year-old client Jim shared with me this story about the funeral of his younger sister:
“At Clare’s funeral I felt like the odd man out. Everybody was giving sympathies to Clare’s husband and son and grandkids, and I was treated like ‘Oh, you’re here too.’ It seemed I wasn’t even afforded status as mourner number four. I was sad but felt maybe I wasn’t supposed to be so sad because I was just the brother and only saw Clare every couple of months for coffee and at holidays.”
The Forgotten Mourners
I’m no longer surprised by how many of my adult clients (and friends) come to me seeking help in mourning an adult sibling. Reasons for seeking professional support vary but most often include: a recent loss; years’ old unprocessed grief; a desire to complete incomplete communications, heal unhealed regrets or put to rest forgiveness issues; or a lack of acknowledgement or understanding from others regarding how painful it can be to lose a sibling, no matter your age.
This lack of acknowledgement as experienced by Jim is common in our culture as condolences and attentive care are most often directed toward the surviving spouse, children and parents of the deceased, leaving siblings to sometimes feel they have been delegated to a status of “forgotten mourner.”
It's About Connection, Not Time Recently Spent Together
The depth of our unique attachment and felt sense of connection is what determines our sense of loss when an adult sibling dies, not how much time we’ve spent together in recent years. When a sibling dies, we as surviving siblings lose a touchstone to the past; we lose a witness to someone who knew us through our awkward and uncomfortable growing pains, as well as the triumphs and failures of our early years. We lose someone who once upon a time – and maybe even now - could make us feel great anger one minute and the next minute prompt us to uncontrollable laughter. We lose someone who was our learning ground and proving ground for how we might act and be when we were finally old enough to take on the larger world – the world beyond our family’s front door.
And when a sibling dies, we can lose a part of our planned-for-future, no matter our age.
My husband’s grandmother died at age 100. She had six siblings, four of whom died before her. I remember Grandma once saying, “People think because you’re ancient like me that losing the people you love gets easier – no, not true. Over time I’ve learned to love better so I have more to offer now. I miss my sisters who have passed more now, not less. Who else really knows me in the way they did? I was the oldest – my sisters really saw that I was both a sister and a mother to them – something no one else understood.”
A Unique but Sometimes Complex Relationship
Once upon a time when we lived with our siblings, they – and we – were trying to figure out who we were in the context of both family and as individuals. Struggling to become an individual can leave in its wake unresolved ambivalent and complicated feelings and rivalries regarding our siblings that sometimes linger long into adulthood. Therefore, when an adult sibling dies, the grieving process can require confronting difficult but common feelings such as guilt, relief, jealousy, regret and fear so that healing can occur.
The process of delving into and healing complex sibling dynamics can take varied forms such as goodbye rituals that help you let go of the past and honor what was lost, the learning of self-care tools, and professional individual or group grief support.
Shelly’s Story: Healing Regret
Shelly’s sister Suzy died two-years-ago after a short battle with cancer. Throughout their lives Shelly had always viewed Suzy as “odd and unconventional - into woohoo things - which made me uncomfortable.” Shelly was “there at the end” as Suzy’s caregiver but when her sister died Shelly thought her caregiver job now was to “make sure Mom was okay – I never really thought of myself and how Suzy’s passing affected me.” This is a common family pattern: taking care of your parents rather than your own needs when a sibling dies; it is something that often keeps surviving siblings from self-care which then delays the grieving process.
Shelly became my client after suffering several major losses within a short period of time: loss of her job; loss of physical functioning due to a life-changing health issue; and the death of her mother. She hadn’t included her sister’s death in the list of losses she was grieving, but as we worked together that loss suddenly and painfully emerged seeking healing.
“All the sudden I realized how wonderful my sister really was and how much I learned from the way she looked at the world when I spent so much time with her at the end. I feel such regret that I didn’t appreciate her sooner, know her better, have a longer relationship,” said Shelly.
To heal feelings of regret, Shelly wrote a long letter, saying all she wished she had said to Suzy when she was still alive; she ended the letter by thanking Suzy for being a great life-lesson teacher and then saying goodbye. Next, Shelly painted and decorated a flowerpot with Suzy’s favorite colors and sayings, ripped the letter into tiny pieces and mixed the letter with potting soil. Finally, Shelly planted Suzy’s favorite flower, azaleas, in the pot. The flowerpot now sits in Shelly’s living room, a daily reminder of love and loss.
Liz’s Story: Healing Relief, Jealousy and Guilt
Liz never liked her brother Sam much; since his teen years, Sam struggled with mental health issues that Liz found embarrassing. Many years later, what Liz found the most difficult to admit to herself and to me was how much she resented the time and attention their parents gave to Sam’s special needs in childhood and into his adult years. “When I was a kid I felt like, ‘Hey, what about me?’ That feeling never really left me,” said Liz.
When Sam died suddenly in a car accident, Liz felt like a “selfish jerk” for her first response of relief. “I thought the stress of Sam being my brother and the anxiety I always felt would finally disappear,” said Liz. “Not true!” Relief was quickly and painfully followed by a sense of guilt and shame for feeling relieved and for not having made a greater effort getting to know her brother.
“My parents were torn apart, devastated,” said Liz. “They thought Sam had many good qualities. And as a new mom I had already begun to see Sam a bit through their eyes – a gift, a child they would love no matter what.”
To heal ongoing feelings of guilt and shame, Liz spent months doing daily self-compassion tools and techniques from the website self-compassion.org (something she continues to engage in when needed); she was surprised and grateful that self-compassion not only led to greater compassion for herself but also for Sam and the world at large.
Your Stories Began Together and Continue On - Now in a Different Way
Years after my sister died, I remember thinking: our shared story still hasn’t ended. I was still on earth and she, in my mind, roams the heavens imparting love and light wherever she goes – just as she had here on Earth. But we are still connected. Our story hasn’t ended because love doesn’t end. Our shared history lives within me and I continue to acknowledge that history through the activities I do and by trying daily to be and become someone my sister would have been happy to call “friend.”
The word “bereaved” translates as “to be torn apart” and “to have special needs.” Your grief matters – your mourning needs are no less important than anyone else’s. Whether your relationship with your sibling was close or whether it was estranged or strained or had become neutral over time, your sibling’s death requires healing of that which feels torn (large or small, past or present) through active expressions of grief-processing and through sharing so that you can, in ways that feel right to you, move forward with what you identify as having been lost at your sibling’s parting.
Related Blog Posts
Continuing Bonds with Your Loved One After Death
Grieving the Death of Someone Who Hurt You
The Role of a Grief Support Specialist
Healing Regret aft the Death of a Loved One
August 2025
