Have you ever overheard someone saying, "I'm really concerned about Marcia (or Jeff, or Natalie, or…). They are just not moving on after so-and-so's death. In fact, yesterday, they told me they speak to so and so every night. I'm concerned that they are wallowing in grief and won't be able to let go. It's been almost a year!" Statements like this, which probably genuinely represent concern, are rooted in pre-conceived notions about the "right" way to grieve that are based on psychological theories offered initially by Sigmund Freud.
In his short book On Mourning and Melancholia, Freud challenged the notion that prolonged mourning periods, such as Queen Victoria's (who wore black for over 40 years after her husband's death), and elaborate mourning rituals were a healthy way to mourn lost loved ones. Instead, Freud promoted the idea that to move on, it was necessary to disconnect – he referred to it as "decathect" - from the loved object (person). The idea that someone would keep reminders of deceased loved ones around, talk to them, or spend an inordinate amount of time reflecting on their relationship would amount to a pathological response in his eyes.
Since Freud's time, though, our understanding of how people can grieve in what is considered 'healthy' ways has evolved. A newer theory of what is called 'continuing bonds' has emerged as one of the more inclusive views of healthy grieving. First presented in the 1990s by psychologists Dennis Klass and others, the theory of continuing bonds suggests that it can actually be healthy to maintain an emotional connection to deceased loved ones, to feel their presence in our lives even after they've died. This expanded understanding not only enables us to move forward with our lives and form meaningful new relationships but also encourages us to continue and grow our emotional connection to those who have passed.
In his New York Times article entitled It’s OK to Never ‘Get Over’ Your Grief, Dr. Mikolaj Slawkowski-Rode writes, "Maintaining a place for the deceased in our lives can also mean continuing to draw on those relationships as sources of strength – to share our joys with the dead or feel their support in moments of sorrow." In my experience, most people are uncertain what this could look like in reality. How can we develop and continue emotional bonds with those who are not here on this earth with us? The idea that a relationship with a deceased person can continue to grow and evolve is an anathema to many people, and they worry that there may be a morbid aspect to this, or else that it will involve complicated, intricate rituals (harkening back to the strict mourning rituals of the past). Yet I believe it can be quite natural and organic, providing us with a rich, living connection if we are open to exploring it.
Maintaining an emotional connection to anyone, whether living or dead, necessarily means that our views of them and our relationship with them evolve and grow. Part of the joy of relating to others is seeing them change, seeing ourselves change through their eyes, and deepening our connection to them. Getting to know someone better fosters a feeling of intimacy, increasing our understanding of the complexities of the human experience. And it will help us to feel closer to them, whether they are alive or dead.
Consider this example. You are speaking to a friend of your deceased parent. The friend tells you about a time or an experience in your parents' lives that you hadn't known about, perhaps a time when your parent went through extreme disappointment or sadness over something that hadn't been on your radar. You remember fighting with your parent around this time about something else and feeling like they “just didn’t get it.” Now, hearing about what was going on, you see that your parent may have felt overwhelmed, lost, and discouraged – preoccupied with something completely unrelated to what you were fighting about. You begin to see how what your parent was experiencing may have prevented them from being present to you in the way you wanted – and probably the way they would have wanted, too.
Or how about this: you have spent a great deal of time (even though you love her deeply) critiquing your mother's parenting skills and abilities. Why couldn't she have done this, this, or this differently? Especially when you were a teenager, when you felt so misunderstood! All of a sudden, as your own daughter enters the teen years, you begin to understand just how hard this era is for both parents and children. Your attitude towards your mother softens, and in certain circumstances, you start to appreciate the strength and patience she demonstrated.
Learning new information or gaining a better understanding of your parents' perspective and motivations has changed your perception of them. Your relationship has evolved, even though they are no longer with you. And your relationship with them will continue to change, as you get older and encounter new situations in your own life that lead you to reflect on theirs and your time together. This growth and evolution of relationships, even with the deceased, can provide a deeper sense of connection and understanding, if you are open to it.
This is one of the natures of "continuing bonds." Our relationships with the dead are not stagnant, even though they aren't physically with us. Through getting to know your mother better in these ways, you can draw strength and inspiration from her experiences that you may not have been able to before. This doesn't take a lot of "work," but it may take a mental shift to open yourself up to this concept. If it resonates, remain curious – opportunities to get to know your loved one better will present themselves.
Keeping our relationships alive in this way – being attuned to shifts and growth – along with honoring our deceased loved ones through ritual and remembrance is exactly what establishing "continuing bonds" means. Far from impeding our adjustment and psychological growth, opening ourselves up to ongoing relationships in this way enhances our overall view of all our relationships, the world, and ourselves. It will make our life richer and our relationships deeper, both with the living and the dead. And it is a wonderful way to honor our connections with those we have loved, who need us to keep them alive for future generations as well.
October 2025
