It is easy to assume that we know everything about our parents and loved ones. After hearing many retellings of my mother’s favorite stories, I could assume there are no other stories waiting to be told, and that I know exactly what each story means to her. Yet new life stages can prompt us to ask questions we have not had a reason to before. Once I became a mother, I began to wonder what experiences and memories shaped my mom into the person she is today that I do not know about. Experiences she would be happy to share if I knew what questions to ask.
When I received the Have a Talk of a Lifetime Conversation Cards from Remembering a Life, I knew they would be the perfect tool to learn more about my mom. The questions that were the most fun to ask her were the ones that I assumed I already knew the answer to, such as: “What does your perfect day look like?” or “What are your favorite family traditions?” One of my favorite questions from the cards was, “What are your favorite foods? Do you have a signature recipe?” While I was pretty certain I knew what she would say, I was surprised to hear the story about where her signature oatmeal chocolate chip cookie recipe came from.
If you are lucky, your family has a signature recipe. It is better than any other version and is omnipresent at family gatherings. The recipe is so embedded in your memories of home that you feel like you are home when you eat it, no matter where you are. As our loved ones and the makers of cherished family recipes get older, we seek to preserve the recipes as well as our memories of them. We know that our loved ones and the recipes should not be taken for granted, but it can be difficult to know the right place to start.
Recipes are often more nuanced than a list of ingredients and directions. You might be able to find a recipe for the same food on the internet, but it could never guess the non-traditional spices your grandmother added on a whim decades ago, and decided to keep in because she likes it more. When the maker is gone, everyone would know something was missing, and your family would have to bear the mystery along with the loss of the loved one. Fortunately, there are ways to avoid the scenario of the mystery missing ingredient.
The solution to both learning recipes and preserving the memory of a loved one is actually quite similar: You have to spend time with the person and ask questions you’ve never thought of before. To learn how someone else makes a recipe, you have to be so familiar with the way they move in the kitchen, chop ingredients, and choose produce that their instinct becomes your own. You have to ask why they add the ingredients in that order and add your own notes to the recipe they’ve given you so you can retell it in a way that everyone will recognize as their recipe.
Family signature recipes are treasured in the same way we cherish the presence and stories of a loved one. While recipes have steps that can be broken down and documented, it is more complicated to discover new stories and perspectives from someone we have long assumed we know everything about. Conversational tools such as the Have a Talk of a Lifetime Conversation Cards guide your questions so you can learn not only about their favorite memories, but the context of what those memories mean to them. While I consider myself to be a good listener and conversationalist, I was delighted to see that their questions are not only simple, but also meaningful and thought-provoking. The cards ask about topics that you would want to know but wouldn’t necessarily think to ask, such as, “How do you want to be remembered?”; “For what are you most grateful?”; and “Describe a favorite or funny holiday memory.” The cards could easily be brought to the next family gathering, or while learning to make their signature recipe like I did recently with my own mother. If you need additional resources, Remembering a Lifealso has cards for celebrations and questions to help children join the conversation. One of the joys of having my own children is seeing what my daughters’ personalities bring out in their interactions with older family members. I know family members who are less inclined to open up to other adults would be delighted to answer questions from my three- and five-year-old.
As much as we appreciate and enjoy family recipes, we also know that we will mourn the loss of our loved ones in addition to the food they made for us. Now that I am an adult I can appreciate that my mom, like any person, is a collection of experiences and dreams that were achieved, changed, or lost. The Have a Talk of Lifetime Conversation Cards will help me get to know her in the way that I want to but do not know how to on my own. One day when she cannot make me cookies anymore, I could make them on my own and treasure the memories I have of her life.
Remembering a Life even has Journey Cards to guide living family members through ways to remember a loved one after they die perhaps you could go through them while enjoying their signature recipe. Enduring the loss of a loved one is a tragic reality of the human experience. If we are lucky, they leave us a legacy recipe that we can prepare and enjoy, and memories of them that we can share. When we miss them most, we can have the privilege of feeling like we’re sitting in the kitchen with them, and sharing a piece of them with the people who love or miss them too.
