"When my mom died, she had preplanned her whole funeral, down to the dress she wanted to wear for the viewing. It was such a relief to my sisters and me; we were free of at least that kind of decision-making. We were truly guests at her funeral, able to mourn her and feel the support from those around us, because my mom had made all her arrangements and choices ahead of time. Literally, we just showed up and felt so great about being able to honor my mom's wishes. I don't know what I would have done if I had been called on to make the choice between cremation and burial for her body. That would have destroyed me."
-Nancy F.
It cannot be stated too strongly – one of the most helpful, meaningful actions you can take to support your own family in their grief at your loss is to plan your funeral. Remembering that those in grief are already overwhelmed and sad, and that having to make choices at this vulnerable time can be extremely difficult, it is truly a gift to others for you to leave directions for them. As in Nancy's case above, you also offer them a concrete way to honor you. Below, let's look at some ways you can begin to make your plans.
Disposition of Your Body
By far, the most important direction you can give your loved ones is what you would like to happen to your body after you die, which in funeral service is called disposition. This can be an agonizing choice for survivors to make without direction from you. When my parents died they had done very little planning, but had always been vocal about their wishes to be cremated, and knowing this made that very first decision I had to make effortless and guilt free. Consider all the possible choices and choose what you truly want. Your disposition and your funeral are likely the last decisions you get to make in this life plain, so honor your own wishes and do not worry about being judged for them. There are pros and cons to every option. People are becoming very interested in more eco-friendly disposition options – learn more about some of them here (link to RAL post about eco-friendly funerals), but if a traditional funeral and burial with a deluxe casket is your choice, go for it!
Preplanning/Prepaying
It’s common to have questions about preplanning and prepaying for disposition and your funeral if you choose to have one. Find a funeral director you trust and make an appointment with them to discuss preplanning. One of the advantages of preplanning and prepaying is that you lock in today's prices. Funeral homes typically offer what is called prepaid funeral insurance, which you pay over a specific term and which are generally transferrable if a funeral home closes.
Other ways to set aside money for your funeral include burial insurance or a payable-on-death savings account with a named beneficiary who will take charge of your funeral. You should speak with your accountant and a trusted funeral director when evaluating these options, as there may be tax implications for different choices. Preplanning and prepaying also offer an opportunity to 'pay down' your estate, if that is important to you. Regardless, it can be helpful to cover the cost of your cremation or burial if you can.
Funeral or Memorial Service at a Later Date?
Another thing to consider is whether you’d like a more traditional funeral, which would occur very shortly after your death, or a memorial service at a later date. Even if you choose cremation, you can still have an immediate funeral with your body present (and even have an open casket). This can be a traditional religious service or something more ecumenical, held at a funeral home or in a cemetery (yes, even if you are being cremated). And, you can choose to have both – a more intimate service immediately after your death, and a larger celebration of life a couple of months later. Whatever your choice, it's important to leave your specific wishes for your survivors to eliminate any potential painful decision-making. Equally important is to leave detailed instructions about how these services might be paid for, to ensure your loved ones are not burdened with additional stress during this difficult time.
Planning Your Actual Funeral Service or Celebretion of Life
This can be as intricate or simple as you want, and the planning can even be fun! What are your favorite hymns, poems, or readings? Do you want specific people to speak at your funeral? Is there a particular church or other location where you'd like your memorial? Do you want your ashes scattered in a specific area? (Please check the laws in your state.) Do you want a favorite food or beverage to be served? Imagine a party in your honor and how you'd like those who survive you to remember you. Remember, this is a celebration of YOU. For ideas about what kinds of services have been meaningful for families, please watch these two great videos:
Involve Family and Friends
Your wishes are important, but so are the wishes of your family and friends. Involving them in the planning process will help ensure they have what they need and want as they say goodbye and begin their grief journeys.
Final Thoughts
When emotions are running high after a loved one's passing, there is a potential for discord among family members. If you've failed to communicate your personal choices before you die, your family members may argue about what you would have wanted. Leaving detailed instructions eliminates this potential area of disagreement and is just one of the gifts preplanning offers your family. It's also crucial to discuss your ideas with your family beforehand, so they know exactly where to find your directions and any necessary paperwork. This will set their minds at ease that plans have been made, and they will be able to honor your wishes. Removing the work of making these plans for you is a wonderful parting gift for those you love.
Worksheet
August 2025
